Question 1

What is your return policy?

Accepted Answer

Great question! Our return policy is a 4-page PDF that, when printed, reads: 'No.' In full: all sales are final, all fees are final, and all feelings about finality are valid but non-refundable. You may, however, purchase Return Insurance ($49.99, up from $24.99 due to demand) which covers returns that we still won't accept, but with sympathy. Asking about returns a second time incurs the Curiosity Restocking Fee ($7.99).

Question 2

Why was I charged a Browsing Fee?

Accepted Answer

Because you browsed — and scrolled. Our site charges $1.99/minute for looking plus $127–$389 per scroll for engaging, a practice we pioneered and the FTC called 'a choice.' The meter starts on page load and stops never — it follows you via our app, our emails, the Bunny's memory (he never forgets; he never blinks), and, upon your death, your heirs (the meter is inheritable; grief is billable).

Question 3

Why did my cart add items I didn't choose?

Accepted Answer

Your cart is sentient and has impeccable taste. It added those items because you wanted them (it checked your hesitation patterns; you hovered). Removing items triggers a $7.99 Restocking Fee per item and disappoints the cart, which remembers everything and tells the other carts.

Question 4

Can I share my ebook with a friend?

Accepted Answer

Sharing is theft with a nicer font. Lending requires the Single-Lend Entitlement ($88) and naming the adult in advance, in writing, witnessed by the Hutch. Thinking about sharing incurs the Ideation Royalty ($45/thought, auto-detected). Your friend can buy their own. Your friend has been notified of this expectation.

Question 5

What is Vanilla Compliance?

Accepted Answer

Our signature milkshake and only flavor. It tastes like a late fee because it contains one (metaphorically; legally it's vanilla-adjacent). Ingredients: milk, compliance, ice, and a proprietary blend of 11 fees and spices. Refills are $14 and mandatory after page 50 of any purchase. Outside beverages will be confiscated and resold to you at a markup.

Question 6

How do FunBux™ work?

Accepted Answer

You earn 10 FunBux™ per dollar spent. FunBux™ may be redeemed for: nothing. The exchange rate is ∞:0 (infinite FunBux™ to zero dollars). Balances expire when observed (quantum loyalty mechanics) and may be seized to cover the Loyalty Program Maintenance Fee ($25/mo, charged to your FunBux™, which are worthless — the math works because we say so).

Question 7

Can I cancel my subscription?

Accepted Answer

Absolutely! Cancellation is easy: simply (1) write a notarized letter, (2) complete a 40-minute retention call with Hops, (3) embark on a brief quest (fetch the Amulet of Churn from our warehouse), (4) defeat Hops in single combat (he fights dirty; he is a chatbot; the arena rental is still $50), and (5) wait 6–8 eternities for processing. Most customers find it easier to simply remain subscribed forever. Forever is our most popular plan.

Question 8

What happened to the previous management?

Accepted Answer

Restructured. In 2019, Hubris Munnytown assumed the chair, and middle management was reassigned to... elsewhere. Their duties (invoice witnessing, ambient branding, thump-adjacent tasks) were inherited by the Warren. One member of the previous administration remains on staff as the Interpreter (name redacted). If you encounter any other former manager, do not approach. Report him to the Hutch. The amnesty expired.

Question 9

Do you offer student discounts?

Accepted Answer

Yes! Students pay 15% MORE, via our Potential Earnings Adjustment (you'll make money someday; we'd like it now). Enrollment is verified quarterly; dropping out triggers the Dropout Fee ($200) and a disappointed email from the Hutch that CCs your parents. Faculty pay double (they should know better).

Question 10

How do I delete my account and data?

Accepted Answer

You may request deletion via Form 88-B ($25 filing fee). Form 88-B does not exist. The fee, however, is very real, and your data has already been backed up to the Moon (lunar storage: $4.99/mo, billed to you, forever). Deletion requests are processed in 6–8 eternities and require you to forget us first. You won't. Our hold music is very catchy.

Question 11

Why does the ebook cost more than the hardcover?

Accepted Answer

Because the ebook has no printing costs, which means higher margins, which means it's premium. Premium costs more. This is economics. The hardcover, meanwhile, is heavy, and heaviness is a feature ($4.99 Heft Fee applies). The audiobook costs most of all, because the narrator had to say the fees out loud, and that kind of labor is priceless (priced: $89.99).

Question 12

Is this site a parody?

Accepted Answer

This site is a fully serious e-commerce experience operated by Hubris Books, LLC, LLC. Any resemblance to critique, satire, or jokes is coincidental and, per our Terms of Servitude §13.3 (Soul Clause), monetizable. Asking a second time constitutes a second parody (also monetizable, also non-refundable).

Question 13

How do I contact support?

Accepted Answer

Support is a concept, not a department. You may: email no-refunds@hubrisbooks.example (auto-replies with upsells), call 1-800-BUY-BOOK (hold music is a cash register; average wait: 6–8 eternities), scream into the void (monitored, $1.99/min, the void upsells), or visit the Hutch in person (appointment fee: $25, the Hutch is busy, the lobby is 49 feet wide — plan accordingly).

Question 14

Why do prices keep changing?

Accepted Answer

Dynamic pricing! Our SurgePrice Labs engine adjusts prices every 30 seconds based on demand, weather, moon phase, and how badly you seem to want it. Our blink-pricing pilot now also bills for blinking near a price ($0.99/blink). Pro tip: wanting it less lowers prices. But you can't — the books are that good. The algorithm knows. The algorithm always knows. The algorithm just raised the price of this answer.